Break up Day 9

I almost sent him a text last night after too many cocktails. Called Jane and she talked me out of it. I can tell she’s already getting sick of me obsessing. What am I supposed to do? Go to a therapist?
I decided to take the advice I give to my girlfriends who are going through the same thing. I gave this advice to Jane after the many times asshole Craig Keller broke her heart.

My rules involve the whole idea of reveling in the sadness so you can move on. Literally, sinking into the depths of the depression in order to let it pass through you.

Let’s see:

Rule #1: Find a sappy romcom movie and cry out loud during all the sentimental parts. Buy extra Kleenex and sob your guts out until you’re out of tears. Don’t, however, do this on a school night, especially if you are in my business – red, puffy eyes don’t look good on camera, I don’t care how much television makeup your stylist applies. It also makes you look unstable. Friday or Saturday nights are preferred for crying sessions.

Rule #2: Drink a bottle of wine by yourself and crank a playlist with all the songs that remind you of him. Repeat this process for at least three nights in a row. In fact, don’t leave the house, and do stay in your sweats. Eat junk food and/or smoke cigarettes/vape. Don’t bathe.

Rule #3: Buy a pair of $1,000 shoes. This method can apply to a number of “makeover” items, such as new makeup, Botox, or other injectables, clothes, an expensive vacation and/or a new house. Try to stay within your means, or you’ll really hate this bastard later, as the creditors descend upon you.

Rule #4 – Sleep with a few gorgeous, sexy men you’ve wanted for a long time but were avoiding because of Asshole Ex. Ex-boyfriends are completely acceptable, too. They will appreciate your vulnerability and you will feel empowered. These guys are clamoring to be with you and remember, this guy you’re currently pining over will soon join the ranks of men you will sleep with to forget someone else. It’s a vicious cycle.

Rule #5 – Remember to tell yourself that you’re going to be okay. It’s just a phase. Time will heal everything.

Rule #6 – Rule #5 is total bullshit!