Just read a a book by Dan Savage that says if you hate on your exes, you are emotionally immature. Well, ladies, I am! I’ve moved to the breakup stage of hating Asshole Ex. I even started plotting his demise with a good friend. This is a sign that I’m over the edge. I’m talking rationally and coherently about sending this poor chap a pile of animal feces. I think they are available online. Worse, yet, is I’m seriously contemplating whether it should be camel dung or dog shit. This is really sick.
I’ve also considered driving by his house. But then my rational mind got the better of me. Here are some tips for avoiding this type of rash behavior:
1. Driving by his house of some other form of personal ambush is forbidden. Even if you were simply drifting his way and happened to notice how easy if would be to take the path to his home, it will surely end in disaster. If you feel like you might do this, please, please, please call a friend. She will talk reason to you. You must listen. Turn around fast and go the other way!!!
2. If you insist on going to his house, stop yourself with the carry through on what will happen. Imagine yourself parking at his curb, all the neighbors seeing you. You park and walk up his driveway, determined to expose some hidden truth. Whether you’re looking for a new lover wrapped around him in bed, or just confirming to yourself that he’s alone or perhaps even missing, it’s wrong. You need to stop yourself before this starts or you will regret it later. This reeks of indignity and will surely crush your quest to be aloof, icy and unavailable. You’re working against your cause.
3. Okay, if you end up at his house, you are faced with exercising some form of damage control. At this point, you can only do your best to not appear a psycho. Try to make the best of your obsessive behavior and, at least, have a good line. Something sarcastic, such as “I lost my dog … have you seen him?” or “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by to borrow a cup of sugar.” Oh, no, that’s no good. His response would be “You don’t even fucking bake, bitch.” So he is already convinced you’re ridiculous and groveling at best, psychotic and dangerous at worst. Refer to #1.
4. Any devious letters, calls or emails involving your friends are out, He will figure it out and then you will be more embarrassed than ever. He is not stupid, regardless of how he acts. Well, he is stupid, but not this stupid. He will figure you out, If he does, lie your ass off. He will not be able to blame you. He might think it, but he can’t confirm it. And while we’re on this topic, never, under any circumstances, cop to anything.
5. Contemplating calling and “baring all” is not a good idea. He is not worth this type of honesty and you will only lose your dignity in the end. Especially if he was a complete asshole during the relationship; you must resist the temptation. It will get you nowhere. He will have the upper hand and you will have compromised a part of yourself. You don’t want to do this – EVER! If you ca’nt maintain the relationship on equal levels, the relationship is irresolute. You will be better for leaving. Even if you’ve behaved horribly, unless you believe he is your prince charming in life (and, PLEASE do thing this through so you are absolutely sure), there is no reason to lower your guard DON’T DO IT!
That’s it for now, ladies. Have a great week!