Breakup Day One

My latest broke up with me by text. Last night. Actually, it was early this morning, but it hardly matters. All I know is that it was dark outside.
The first thing I did was check my phone calendar. I let this one slip past my usual three-month rule. It usually takes me three months to identify bad behavior and dump the guy immediately.
What is bad behavior? You know, the no-budge crap, like he’s crazy, drug-addicted, alcoholic, boring, depressed, maniacal, a liar or any combination of these things, plus plus. If you date this type of individual past three months, you will have to go through the uneasy process of extricating yourself, which takes time, energy, emotion and oftentimes, money!
Why did this one break up with me? He didn’t give a reason. NO FUCKING REASON! Did I love him? Yes. More importantly, did I tell him I loved him? Unfortunately, yes. SIGH. So now I have to go through the grief of getting over him. SIGH again!
Here’s where the calendar comes in handy: In my experience, it takes 23 days to get over someone – especially if you let him slip past the three-month rule. After every breakup, I advise you to count forward 23 days, knowing the grief will end on that day. I promise. But until then, you have to wallow in it and go through all its unpleasant phases.
There are several forms of breakup grief: there is grief from the ego-crushing finality of someone breaking up with you; there is grief associated with a mutual decision (hopefully, you decided first); and there’s grief from finding out you’re the object of some deception or injustice, forcing you to be the one dumping him.
Let me get one thing straight, however, there is no grief when you voluntarily and emphatically dump someone else. Make no mistake. If you didn’t care about him when you were together, you will not care when he’s gone. Period.
In this relationship, I cared. This first week is going to be tough. If you’re on your first break up day, you might do what I am planning for tonight: Take a hot bath, rub some luxurious salves all over your face and body. You could even do a brightening mask by my new obsession, Herbivore Botanicals. They make a skin brightening mask that works on the spot. Don’t call your best friend yet. Wait a day or two. After you’ve slathered on enough creams and lotions, brushed your hair 100 times, and pasted a couple of Crest White Strips on your grill, you are ready. Take a sleeping pill and go to bed. Don’t even THINK about calling or texting him. DON’T DO IT. In fact, put your phone in another room. Now, you’re ready. I wish you a lovely, serene sleep, darling. Good night.