It’s breakup, day 22, which means, according to my relationship expert calculations, tomorrow I should be free from grief over Asshole Ex. However, I hate to admit, I’m still in the throes. I can’t stop talking about him. This is what I call “mentionism.” And it’s just plain stupid, friends. Let me define it for you:
Mentionism is referring to him, bringing up his name at all or bad mouthing him in any way. You must especially resist doing this when talking to anyone who remotely has anything to do with him. Even if it’s someone who met him only one time – don’t say anything!
Think of how it will be for an acquaintance of his to run into you after the breakup.
Here’s what you will do: You will smile, look gorgeous and engage in banal chatter about the weather or some other inane topic. They will expect you to lob some zinger about his small penis, bad breath or nasty habits of chewing with his mouth open and emitting gas under the covers … you will simply smile when confronted and concede that, “It was great while it lasted but it’s in the past now.”
At this point, you must smile encouragingly and with a serene sense of peace and goodwill. I know this seems impossible but, please believe me when I say, there is nothing more cutting than a “no mention.”
He will be asking around, curious to hear how you’ve been getting on in life without him. His friends will have to volunteer that “she didn’t even bring you up” or “She didn’t say much,” or, even better, “I tried to pry something out of her but she just didn’t seem interested.”
This will kill him. I promise.
You’re probably tired of me winging about Asshole Ex, but this is real grief and, as I’ve mentioned many times, we have to go through it. I’m praying that, miraculously, by day 23 (tomorrow), I wake up ready to put on a sexy outfit and scope out men with Jane and Kat. If not, I may need to see a shrink. Put your hands together and pray for me, ladies!! More on this tomorrow …