Milestone! Made it a full week without calling him. Jane suggested what she calls “distractions.” This is when she interrupts my breakup moaning to ask me if I like the new Charlotte Tilbury lip gloss that’s supposed to make your lips puffy with some tingly chemical. It actually works. Then we turn the conversation to beauty. She wants to pound it into my brain that I need to focus on looking amazing, so he’ll miss me more.
It’s Sunday, so I’m in need of distractions. But instead of listening to Jane’s advice, I decide to eat a whole bag of salt and vinegar chips, followed by a pint of Talenti Coconut ice cream. Yum. I’m going to look like the Michelin man come tomorrow morning. He’s not going to miss me more.
Then I realize it’s time for the lists. I always make two lists after a breakup. One list covers the things that are a no-budge, as in lace up your Nikes and run for your life. I start with those:
-Always late
-Boring conversation
-Snores
-Drinks too much
-Smokes
-Has bad taste in clothes/is sloppy dresser with no hope of changing
-Has anger management issues
-Is by nature jealous or possessive
-Pisses all over the floor of the bathroom
-Leaves the toilet seat up (see number 9)
-Is tight-assed with money
The next list is just stuff I may be able to stomach, only – and I repeat ONLY – if the guy is interesting and the sex is over the top. Here are a couple of examples:
-Is absent-minded
-Mercurial in mood
-Secretly likes model airplanes
-Watches shitty, sophomoric movies like Borat or fucking Marvel anything
-Has bad teeth (crooked, not stained – gross!!)
-His friends are either boring or stupid or both
-Prefers to drink Mountain Dew in the morning instead of gourmet coffee
Now, are you ready to make your own lists? There are some things that can likely be managed or even improved upon if you have that much time and energy. But my advice is to find your man ready to wear.